All I Really Need to Know I Learned From My Atari 2600

1) You Are What You Eat: By continually eating Fast Food items (Cheeseburgers, Hot Dogs, Nachos, Soda Pop, etc.) while avoiding healthy foods such as Purple Eggplant, I might gain more points, but chances are I will be "Getting FATTER".

2) Sisyphus Has it Easy: When confronted with tasks that initially seem to be productive, such as driving a race car with no brakes around a track while picking up large "dots" in the road and trying to avoid head-on collisions with a computer-controlled vehicle driving the wrong way on the same road, remember that clearing all the dots will just create a new screen with more dots, there are only five sets of dots per turn, and after three crashes, all that happens is your score will flash. Then you can start over.

3) Winning Isn't Everything (or even possible): There are always more invaders from space that operate in synchronization to slowly invade the earth. While you're "Laser Cannon" is capable of destroying the invaders, there will always be more. More points can be scored by destroying the Command Alien Ship, but again, Infinite invaders + Finite Cannon Count = Impossible odds.


4) Candy Good, "The Man" Bad: When accidentally left behind on a strange, alien planet, fall down as many holes as possible, searching for items that can be used to build a communicator to "Phone Home" and call the mothership to the forest for an emergency evacuation. Accept Candy (Reeeeeeeessseesss Peeeeeeeessseeess) from kind strangers (like Eeeelllllleeeeeoooottt) but be sure to avoid all the government agents who just want to experiment on you and determine why extending your neck while at the bottom of a hole allows you to levitate your way out of the trap. They insist it's all for "National Security".

5) I'll Get By With A Little Help From My Friends: When searching for a Biblical Relic that has been lost for centuries and possesses extraordinary powers and is able to "level mountains" and "lay waste to entire regions." Oh, did we mention any army possessing it is invincible. Well, yeah, when doing that, be sure to progress back and forth through the ENTRANCE ROOM to the MARKETPLACE to the TEMPLE ENTRANCE to the SPIDER ROOM to the ROOM OF THE SHINING LIGHT to the TREASURE ROOM to the MESA FIELD to the MESA SIDE to the VALLEY OF POSION to the BLACK MARKET and back and forth as required until reaching the WELL OF THE SOULS and discovering the Ark. Both controllers, significant amounts of hints, endless patience, the ability to imagine pixelated attempts at graphics represent a MAGIC FLUTE and COINS and a GRENADE a KEY a WHIP a PARACHUTE a TIMEPIECE a REVOLVER with BULLETS an ANKH some CHAI an HOURGLASS (not to be confused with a TIMEPIECE) and even a SHOVEL, all that and no power outages will be required, but it is possible. Good Luck!

6) The Best Offense Is A Good Defense: If you ever notice that aliens from the planet of Krytol have begun an attack on the planet Zardon, remember that the Krytolians are warriors out to destroy and seize the planet of Zardon. Even though Zardon is the last of the peaceful planets, the Zardonians are skillful and hardworking people, and their cities are built-up and rich in resources. I mean, it is truly a planet void of crime and violence. Luckily, Zardon has built a powerful defense system. Several antiballistic missile bases have been established within the cities of Zardon. The Zardonians are ready for this attack, and are prepared to fight to save their cities.
If you then get appointed to be base commander, it is your responsibility to protect and defend six cities on the planet of Zardon. The Krytolians have begun firing interplanetary ballistic missiles. They are aiming at your cities and missile bases. Your only defense is to fire back with antiballistic missiles. But watch out, the Krytolians are sly, they also have cruise missiles. Cruise missiles look like satellites, but they are just as deadly as the interplanetary ballistic missiles.
You must then use your antiballistic missiles (ABMs) to stop the enemy before your happy and harmonious planet is destroyed.

7) Just Because You Can Talk the Talk Doesn't Mean You Know Anything About What's Actually Happening: You might realize that a YAR is a fly simulator under direct user control, an ENERGY MISSLE can be shot by a YAR and removes CELLS. You might even know that the QOTILE is a laser-base type object on the right side of the screen, behind the SHIELD. You can understand that the SHIELD is composed of CELLS, which are the elements making up the SHIELD. In addition, you can know that a DESTROYER MISSILE is put out by the QOTILE in order to destroy YARS. You can discover that the ZORLON CANNON is really a pulsing, scintillating fireball which appears on the left side of the screen and traverses the screen horizontally. You could even conceptualize that a SWIRL is a whirling pinwheel fired by the QOTILE to again destroy YARS. Even all of that plus the knowledge that the NEUTRAL ZONE is a colorful and glittering path down the center of the playfield that will protect a YAR from the DESTROYER MISSLE, but not a SWIRL, however the YAR cannot fire the ZORLON CANNON from there.

You can know all of that and still have no idea where you came from, what you're supposed to be doing, who sent you, who is the enemy, who is your friend, and why this game is so awesome anyway.

Tim "GAME RESET" James