Best Plans Ever

Sometimes you've gotta wonder what people are thinking. Okay, most times you've gotta wonder what people are thinking because you probably can't read minds (but if you can, I feel your pain), and most people don't just spend their days blurting out a constant stream of play-by-play on what's going on in their noggins... well, most people who don't have blogs I guess. That said, you've really gotta wonder what the following folks were thinking.

First up: Mr. "I know the perfect solution for not catching my plane". Wow. What a brilliant scheme! What could possibly go wrong with that idea? I dunno what they teach at 'college' in Florida, but it doesn't appear Avoiding Momentary Gross Lapses in Judgement 101 is on the required list. Come to think of it, I don't know of any schools that even offer, much less require, that particular course. Hmmm... perhaps we could add Applied Common Sense 211 and Principles of Sanity 305 and have ourselves a little honorary degree program going on.

Next we have the "Missed that little detail" group of geniuses here. Too bad they couldn't get away with those heating pipes, that would have been quite the little score, let me tell you what.

And then, today's "Robbers mistake empty bag for cash" story brought to you by Stockholm. Any article that uses the word 'comeuppance' is gonna sway me in the elections of coolness that are due to start anytime now (and I'm sure I'll be asked to vote). I also gotta hand it to any pair of robbers that make their getaway on a moped. That's some uber-coolness there.

To close out the round, we'll finish with a little bit of "Why I decided to start a blog" fodder. Take that, Google News! If transcripts were just made available for the 'breaking news' stories that air constantly and the celebrity interviews that go along with them. Nothing but Primo Grade-A news articles would be searchable then, and Google News would finally become relevant for our time, dontcha think?

Tim "5-gallon bucket" James

Carve Up a Winner

With these step-by-step instructions, I'm sure to win the pumpkin carving contest this year!!

• "Scroll down and learn how to create your very own."

Sounds like a good plan. I'll take you up on this challenge, I've got my pumpkin and I'm ready to go. Bring it on!

• "Picking out the right pumpkin is very important."

Ahh. I see. With instructions like these, I'm sure to succeed!! Hopefully the one I got is "right".

• "After a few hundred mess ups you will begin to know just exactly..."

Uhm... hold on just a second, let me get this straight... A few hundred mess-ups to BEGIN to know?!!?! Dang, yo. Hmmm... Where am I gonna find 100+ "right" pumpkins? That's gonna take a little time, methinks.

• "Hard to explain but the pictures may explain."

Uhm... no. It's not working. Perhaps some video would help me out here. That or a little bit of sculpting ability. After my hundred and eleventeenth failure, I'm sure not getting too worried about the 45° X-Acto teeth.

• "Hope you enjoyed our tutorial."

If by 'enjoyed' you mean 'found interesting, promising, and delightfully simple, yet ultimately unrepeatable' then yes, yes I did.

Oh well, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. There's always next year...

Tim "sticking to Paint" James