Please Consider...

I'm not sure when it started, but I've begun noticing it more and more lately. Popping up in emails from all over the place, a little bit of consciousness thrown in for good measure down at the bottom. Don't know if you've seen it or not, but it's something to the effect of the following:

Please consider your environmental responsibility before printing this email.

This was an eye-opener for me. I mean, I've been printing off every email I send or receive since 1994. So far the "Collected Works of Tim and People He May or May Not Actually Know" spans 367 volumes. And that's not even including the forwards! But this little signature line gem made me rethink my philosophy. I mean, I wasn't considering my environmental responsibility, now was I? I was just enjoying all the rights of being a part of the food chain's upper class. Little did I know I was actually destroying my home by printing so many emails! Egads, what to do?!

But this simple tagline, with a nifty eco-friendly glyph added using the capital letter 'P' in the 'Webdings' font (see here for a nifty table and instructions on using some of the 'dings'... but don't count on Firefox to render them appropriately) got me thinking...

There's so much more people should be considering in this world. Just think of the difference we could make in the universe by just suggesting people consider this or that upon reading an email I either wrote or thought was worth forwarding to everyone who's name has ever been added to my Address Book! It's pure genius.

I submit the following as possible additional taglines we could add to our mails, and I just know the Utopia this planet is destined to become will be made manifest in that much less time once we all just pause every once in a while to consider.


Please consider providing a link to a good YouTube video, because reading emails tends to bore me.

Please consider that the Mercator Projection is practically unusable for latitudes higher than 70° north or south. Don't let Greenland fool you!



Please consider adding graphs and charts to increase the spiffiness factor in your emails.

Please consider your digital storage responsibility before saving this email.



Please consider your audio environmental responsibility before sharing all of your downloaded ringtones with the rest of the world.




Please consider your opinions rejected flatly, by default, across the board, unless stated otherwise.


Please consider your Karmic responsibility now that you've enjoyed a taste of my wisdom.


Please consider not focusing on things we could actually do to help the world, just don't print emails. You'll feel so much better simply for not doing anything!


Please consider how awesome it will be when we finally get hoverboards!



Please consider yourself warned.



Please consider natural beauty overrated and not good for the economy.

Please consider that the critical security update to Windows that just installed without your permission will corrupt all of your files and leave you vulnerable to identity theft, security breaches, loss of firstborn, and contraction of deadly diseases unless you restart your computer right this second.

Please consider awareness.



Please consider how unintelligent we look before sending another Arecibo Message.



Please consider letting a few things go, enjoying the moment, not having to be right, and opening yourself up to learning something new.

Feel free to add your own suggestions for further considerations we could share with our fellowmen through the etherwebs that have entertwined us all.

Tim "still considering" James

All I Really Need to Know I Learned From My Atari 2600

1) You Are What You Eat: By continually eating Fast Food items (Cheeseburgers, Hot Dogs, Nachos, Soda Pop, etc.) while avoiding healthy foods such as Purple Eggplant, I might gain more points, but chances are I will be "Getting FATTER".

2) Sisyphus Has it Easy: When confronted with tasks that initially seem to be productive, such as driving a race car with no brakes around a track while picking up large "dots" in the road and trying to avoid head-on collisions with a computer-controlled vehicle driving the wrong way on the same road, remember that clearing all the dots will just create a new screen with more dots, there are only five sets of dots per turn, and after three crashes, all that happens is your score will flash. Then you can start over.

3) Winning Isn't Everything (or even possible): There are always more invaders from space that operate in synchronization to slowly invade the earth. While you're "Laser Cannon" is capable of destroying the invaders, there will always be more. More points can be scored by destroying the Command Alien Ship, but again, Infinite invaders + Finite Cannon Count = Impossible odds.


4) Candy Good, "The Man" Bad: When accidentally left behind on a strange, alien planet, fall down as many holes as possible, searching for items that can be used to build a communicator to "Phone Home" and call the mothership to the forest for an emergency evacuation. Accept Candy (Reeeeeeeessseesss Peeeeeeeessseeess) from kind strangers (like Eeeelllllleeeeeoooottt) but be sure to avoid all the government agents who just want to experiment on you and determine why extending your neck while at the bottom of a hole allows you to levitate your way out of the trap. They insist it's all for "National Security".

5) I'll Get By With A Little Help From My Friends: When searching for a Biblical Relic that has been lost for centuries and possesses extraordinary powers and is able to "level mountains" and "lay waste to entire regions." Oh, did we mention any army possessing it is invincible. Well, yeah, when doing that, be sure to progress back and forth through the ENTRANCE ROOM to the MARKETPLACE to the TEMPLE ENTRANCE to the SPIDER ROOM to the ROOM OF THE SHINING LIGHT to the TREASURE ROOM to the MESA FIELD to the MESA SIDE to the VALLEY OF POSION to the BLACK MARKET and back and forth as required until reaching the WELL OF THE SOULS and discovering the Ark. Both controllers, significant amounts of hints, endless patience, the ability to imagine pixelated attempts at graphics represent a MAGIC FLUTE and COINS and a GRENADE a KEY a WHIP a PARACHUTE a TIMEPIECE a REVOLVER with BULLETS an ANKH some CHAI an HOURGLASS (not to be confused with a TIMEPIECE) and even a SHOVEL, all that and no power outages will be required, but it is possible. Good Luck!

6) The Best Offense Is A Good Defense: If you ever notice that aliens from the planet of Krytol have begun an attack on the planet Zardon, remember that the Krytolians are warriors out to destroy and seize the planet of Zardon. Even though Zardon is the last of the peaceful planets, the Zardonians are skillful and hardworking people, and their cities are built-up and rich in resources. I mean, it is truly a planet void of crime and violence. Luckily, Zardon has built a powerful defense system. Several antiballistic missile bases have been established within the cities of Zardon. The Zardonians are ready for this attack, and are prepared to fight to save their cities.
If you then get appointed to be base commander, it is your responsibility to protect and defend six cities on the planet of Zardon. The Krytolians have begun firing interplanetary ballistic missiles. They are aiming at your cities and missile bases. Your only defense is to fire back with antiballistic missiles. But watch out, the Krytolians are sly, they also have cruise missiles. Cruise missiles look like satellites, but they are just as deadly as the interplanetary ballistic missiles.
You must then use your antiballistic missiles (ABMs) to stop the enemy before your happy and harmonious planet is destroyed.

7) Just Because You Can Talk the Talk Doesn't Mean You Know Anything About What's Actually Happening: You might realize that a YAR is a fly simulator under direct user control, an ENERGY MISSLE can be shot by a YAR and removes CELLS. You might even know that the QOTILE is a laser-base type object on the right side of the screen, behind the SHIELD. You can understand that the SHIELD is composed of CELLS, which are the elements making up the SHIELD. In addition, you can know that a DESTROYER MISSILE is put out by the QOTILE in order to destroy YARS. You can discover that the ZORLON CANNON is really a pulsing, scintillating fireball which appears on the left side of the screen and traverses the screen horizontally. You could even conceptualize that a SWIRL is a whirling pinwheel fired by the QOTILE to again destroy YARS. Even all of that plus the knowledge that the NEUTRAL ZONE is a colorful and glittering path down the center of the playfield that will protect a YAR from the DESTROYER MISSLE, but not a SWIRL, however the YAR cannot fire the ZORLON CANNON from there.

You can know all of that and still have no idea where you came from, what you're supposed to be doing, who sent you, who is the enemy, who is your friend, and why this game is so awesome anyway.

Tim "GAME RESET" James

What I did on my Summer Vacation

Simple list format today folks:

• Flew in two (2) different planes for a single non-stop flight
• Walked the earth
• Slept in
• Saw Bigfoot
• Got a picture with George Bush Sr.
• Caught a football with my hooves
• Left luggage unattended
  
• Carried at least three (3) universes (universi?) up a flight of stairs
• Smuggled pirated goods across the border
• Slept out
• Spent a Saturday nearly 100% Shanty Style
• Escaped unscathed from the radio black hole that is central America
• Read a book, read a book, read a... hmmm... nevermind.
• Found the true meaning of Christmas
• Witnessed BC's swan's song for the ages
• Stared at snow
• Kissed a rainbow
• Missed work
• Hunted Moon Rocks
• Ran with scissors
  
• Scared off some neighborhood dogs
• Laundry
• Created RoboTim (Patent Pending)
• 9 naps in 7 days

Tim "out of office autoreply" James

Doin' the Bug-Dance

Ever wanna catch yourself some lightning bugs? Or just wanna mess with the minds of a few cool little insects? Well now you can. Read on to find out more:
You can 'call' in male fireflies by pretending you are a female firefly and blinking a small bright light (like a little LED or a pen-light... not the big honkin' flashlight shown above) to attract the males.

The key is in the timing. After you see a firefly flash, wait two seconds and then flash your light, kinda close to the ground. This will make the firefly come towards your light. When it flashes again, count one-one-thousand two-one-thousand and 'blink' him again. The poor guy won't know what hit him when he finally comes to land on your bulb.

I know it's a little late in the season now, but just keep this in mind for the next time you are out with the fireflies. Don't knock it till you've tried it.

Tim "science: the right stuff" James

Oh Captain, My Captain

Well, some things changed today: They killed off Captain America.


1941-2007. Not a bad run for a scrawny Steve Rogers who, after being injected with the 'Super-Soldier Serum' suddenly became the pinnacle of human potential. His first comic showed him decking Hitler on the cover (see left).

He was by far my favorite superhero with wings on his head. Well, actually he was one of my favorite superheros of any of them. Even though he didn't 'technically' have any super powers, I think living for 66 years at the peak of physical condition, getting trapped and frozen in the ocean after WWII, surviving in suspended animation until being revived decades later still feeling great what with his sweet-A shield and kung-fu grip constitutes something 'super' going on.

I never owned any of the Cap's comics, but I remember the show on TV. He had one heckuva cool motorcycle, and I've already mentioned the wings. Dunno why I liked him so much, to be honest, but I did.

This whole killing of the Captain thing reminds me of a Vonnegut quote:

This was the reason Americans shot each other so often: It was a convenient literary device for ending short stories and books.

I might add that it's also a convenient literary device for drumming up sales of a lagging product. Of course, in comics, you can never be sure anybody will stay dead (what major character has?), so I'm not sure how long it will take to bring him back (wanna start a pool?), but I guess their marketing ploy worked because this is now front page news and I'm paying more attention to Cap than I have in years.

Read more here. or here. or here.

Next thing you know Spider-Man will reveal to the world that he's really Peter Parker...

Tim "still in denial" James

The Indestructible Man

I Just heard today about Rulon Gardner surviving another accident.

Who-lon?? Gard-what?? You may be saying.

You know, Rulon Gardner... your friendly neighborhood heavyweight champion of the world.

The one who impaled himself on an arrow in grade school.

The one who beat the Legendary Alexander Karelin in Sydney 2000.

The one who lost a toe due to frostbite after crashing his snowmobile in 2002.

The one who pretty much walked away from a motorcycle crash in 2004.

The one who gets a trophy:



I had the chance to meet this guy back in my days at Nebraska and I can honestly say he's a class act. I'm glad he's okay after all his mishaps, but I can hear Mark and Tolly razzing him but good for this latest in the string of improbable, larger-than-life experiences by the man, the myth, the legend: The Rulon.

Tim "amazed" James

MBTA + ATHF = LOL

Checking the current Department of Homeland Security threat level reveals that we are (still) under significant risk of terrorist attacks, translating to an 'Elevated' or 'Yellow' threat level.

Checking This Site reveals that Aqua Teen Hunger Force somehow got the green light for a movie to be released later this year.

Checking eBay for listings of 'Mooninites' reveals a strange connection between the Mooninites, Boston, and January 31, 2007.

Checking this Wikipedia Entry reveals an ever-changing landscape of majority-rules input/opinions/links/background/etc. into what in the Sam Hill I'm getting at here.

Checking this Press Conference Video reveals that hairstyles of the '70s are important for some, while not so much so to others.

Checking the Cartoon Network Adult Swim website reveals lawyers are getting very excited about the goings-on.

What could be better than a nice little marketing scheme gone horribly awry? Perhaps a marketing scheme going so well that it exceeds everyone's dreams of what was possible. We'll soon find out if it really is easier to get forgiveness than permisson. Well, okay, "soon" maybe isn't the most appropriate word.

Tim "the moon rules" James

Take On the World!!

Well, they've done it. Garmin is doing a Super Bowl commercial this year.

Starring Maposaurus (right) and Garmin Man, this is a sure-fire winner, folks, let me tell you what.

Godzilla versus Power Rangers accompanied by Heavy Metal. What could be better?

I'm reserving my harshest judgement for this thing till after it airs on the 4th, but I must admit to taking some pretty high readings on my lame-o-meter after first watching.

But the dang song is somewhat stuck in my head (along with the 'Funk Soul Brother' that is Fatboy Slim's latest hit... most lyrically complex song ever. That's true poetry, no?) so perhaps there is something to this approach that I just can't appreciate due to being too close to the action. (Not to mention overly judgemental).

So let me know what you think... is this a success or not? Make your predictions now, and we'll find out halfway through the second quarter of the Bears/Colts game.

Tim "new highway" James

Safe at Any Speed

So I'm now on one week with a new roommate. It's going quite well, and it's kinda nice to have somebody besides my microwave to chat to of an evening. (As the canopener won't return my calls) . But the poor guy moved in during a freezing-rain storm. Not the best of weather conditions for that kinda thing. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, all over the map.

So rather than help the guy dig his car out of the ice-block that it turned into, I loaned him my ice-scraper. Later that night I asked him what he did with the thing once he was finished. "It's on the top of your car"

"Cool, thanks."

Next day, leaving from work for lunch I suddenly remember... Dang it!!! Now I've gotta go and find myself a new scraper, but before getting too choked up over my loss I decide to look on top of the car 'just in case'. Well, what do you know, there it was. Perched somewhat precariously, but looking no worse for the wear, right on top of the car.

I must be the world's lamest driver. Ever.

This week is also of note in that it marks The Scott Phillips foray into the blogosphere. Yay for new additions!! Looking good, Scott-Tissue. Yes, have some! Something to do with... Are you ready for some... Whatever, man, just don't call me about your stinkin' Six Sigma Database, got it!! But please don't stop leaving comments here once you become all famous and everything with what you're gonna do there. You know, remember us little people.

All for now,
Tim "peppercorn ranch" James

Hot Dang!

Just read this little bit of news from our friends across the pond. Now that's something I can wrap my teeth around! Even if they don't know how to spell (see 'tumour' or 'chillies') I can overlook such things in order to hear that eating spicy food could potentially kill cancer. I was skeptical at first, but if Oprah's site even says it, it's gotta be true, no?

What I wonder is if this isn't just the 'normal' action of capsaicin... isn't the death of cells what one feels after ingesting a nice, plump, spicy as all-get-out habanero pepper? Is it any surprise that cancer has difficulty standing up to such an onslaught? I also wonder about their 'no side effects' take on enjoying the spice... but I won't go into that.

Now I'm even more thankful for all those dares I took, all those bottles of hot sauce I've drank, all those peppers I've eaten, all those lasagnas I've made, and all those spices I've imbibed over the years. Well, perhaps 'thankful' isn't the right word. Perhaps I'm thinking more along the lines of "Ha! See! I wasn't stupid after all!"

Tim "Jamacia Me Crazy" James